Baked some iPhone cookies to trick cops into pulling me over, then I just take a bite and ask if cookies are against the law.
One time I was masturbating in the shower and came so hard that I couldn’t keep in my scream but I knew my brother was in the bedroom next door and that he’d hear and know what I was doing so I quickly transitioned into singing the opening of the Lion King.
can we just
How Peeta actually survived the Hunger Games.
The Starving Games (2013)
this one time when i was seven i thought that i could talk to trees (because i had no friends), and i use to sit by them and say things and one day i was talking to my tree friend called kevin and this girl went up to me and said “are you talking to that tree, freak!” and i started crying and hugged on to the tree, and while she was laughing one of the branches fell on the girls head, thanks kevin.
petition for jennifer lawrence and emma stone to co-star in a movie as lesbian zombie hunters
why do people have quiet respectful funerals when i die i want my ashes mixed with glitter and packed tightly into a coffin and then they blow up the coffin with explosives so glitter rains down on the guests while blasting “thanks for the memories” by fall out boy
Every woman has mastered this. We are actually born with this skill.
You level up when you can do it with long sleeves
I was the only girl on an all-boys varsity soccer team. I had to change on the bus during away games because I didn’t have a locker room at other schools. I was not uncomfortable with that, actually. I did what I had to.
But one day I noticed that like three guys who were seniors were just staring at me as I did this and I must have shot them a dirty look because one of them (who is actually a family friend) was like “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to stare, but we’re still trying to figure out how the hell girls do that” and I just felt bad. They just want to get their girlfriend’s bra off without losing an eye and we can remove the whole thing like fucking wizards
i told my mom about this post and she went ‘wait, you can do it with long sleeves? um, i’ll be right back’
I just looked up the first guy I ever held hands with on facebook and he went from this:
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK WHAT THE HECK
UM HOOK A SISTA UP
No his family is weird they don’t eat pork
YOU SHOULD HAVE HELD HIS HAND FOR A LITTLE BIT LONGER
What would you like to happen during an apocalypse?
My dad is downstairs watching the harry potter series for the 1st time screaming and i go to check on him and he says ” YOU’VE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME THEY DON’T KILL THE EVIL LITTLE BLONDE LESBIAN FROM THE SNAKE HOUSE BUT THEY KILL DOBBY? WHY DOBBY. THIS RUINED MY CHRISTMAS.”
little blonde lesbian from the snake house
john quincy adams was the first US president to grant a personal interview to a female reporter, and the only reason he allowed it was because the reporter (anne royall) caught him skinny dipping in the potomac, sat on his clothes, and refused to let him get dressed until he answered her questions and if you dont think that’s one of the coolest stories of early US society then idk what to tell you
lava really pisses me off cuz like
i know it could melt my face off but then i see a picture like this and
i want to dip my hands in it